What is Self-Management?

Self-management is the second of the four components that make up what Emotional Intelligence.  Also referred to as self-regulation, it is focused on how you manage yourself and your emotions.  It can be about reaction and response.  AND it’s not just about emotions, it includes other inner resources at your disposal.

Are you ever afraid of your feelings?  Perhaps you’re afraid you will cry in front of your boss, or your anger will get the best of you and you’ll blow a gasket at the wrong time.  It happens.  Self-Management is how we learn to control those impulses, and begin using our emotions in constructive ways.

Another way I like to look at it is that self-management is about my relationship with me.  I learn about who and what I am through self-awareness.  Now I begin making conscious choices to in my behavior to get to where we want to be. My relationship with others, is a reflection of my relationship with me.  If I think you’re an jerk, there is a high probability that I think I’m more of one.

Love Note: Don’t be so hard on yourself.  Criticizing your every move and wondering what others think of you is a sure way to lose control of yourself and your emotions.  

Good leaders manage themselves well.  Not-so-good leaders tend to be over controlling of others.  Often this because they don’t believe they are able to control aspects of their own lives.  This could be outward conditions, or inner conditions.  Like uncomfortable feelings.

BTWs: Leaders who don’t have anyone following them, are just taking a walk.

Consider some of the benefits.

• Stronger Relationships with Others. A person that is able to manage their emotions is safe to approach.  I will reach out to someone who is balanced in their approach to work before I ask for help from someone who might blow my head off depending on her mood.  Relationships are critical to the emotionally intelligent person.

• Better Results from Your Team. Leaders who manage their emotions tend to be more empathetic and supportive to those they manage.  People that feel appreciated and supported work harder.  It forms a strong team which leads to better results!

• Better Company Culture. Emotions are contagious.  When one team is having fun and working well together, others will catch on and want to do the same.  It spreads until the culture of your company or community becomes magnetic.  AND you’ll attract people with a higher EQ, that raises the level of satisfaction even more.

Where to begin?

• Believe it.  Our lives – the circumstances, people, jobs – are an outward manifestation of our beliefs.  Change your thoughts, change your life.  Have you heard that one? It’s true.  If I believe I have something significant to contribute, I will.  It’s a natural law. If I believe the rest of the world is out to get me and I have to fight hard to get what I want, than I will. Bummer.  Right?  Choose differently.

• Stop thinking so much.  This is a fun fact.  Feelings come up before thoughts. Not the other way around.  Our body experiences the sensation of an emotion, and our brain quickly looks for a thought that may explain the feeling.  As soon as it thinks it finds a match, it sends it to you.  You then “think” you know why you’re angry… when you’re just working off of old information.

• Open your mind.  Treat every day, and every relationship as though it was your first experience with that person, company, event.. you name it.  When we bring the memories of yesterday into our mind, we cloud our judgement and our ability to have a clear perspective.  An open mind eases anxiety and generates more balanced experiences in your day.

Remember, emotional intelligence, unlike cognitive intelligence, can be nurtured and strengthened.  EVERYONE can increase their EQ.   It’s practice not perfection.  Be well!